Three L’s To Leading with Empathy
Empathy: Every Child Has a Story, so does Every Adult
All across the country and all across the world, our schools are filled with people serving people. All of those people have stories unique to them and shape who they are. A few years ago I was talking to my principal about all the challenges we saw in the lives of staff and students. He looked at me and said, “We often focus on the child’s story, which is good; never lose sight of that, but remember, every adult has a story too.” His words that day could not have been any more true. Every child has a story, and so does every adult. Our conversation continued, and he said, “If as school leaders, we don’t empathize with our staff and have compassion on them, how do we expect them to do the same for the students in their classrooms or the people they work with daily?” However, leading with empathy doesn’t begin when we know someone’s story; leading with empathy begins when we recognize that every person has a story.
Three L’s to Leading with Empathy
Look Up by Slowing Down and Looking Around
In his article, Seven Steps to Empathy, Ken Sande (2014) states, “Empathy is enhanced when you focus all of your senses, abilities, and resources on understanding other people. Use your time; slow down, relax, show that you’re happy to give others all the time they need.” School leaders can be so busy that we forget to pause and look up. We often think of leading with empathy associated with listening - which is important. However, empathy is enhanced when we utilize our sight. Unfortunately, it’s easy to blind ourselves to the needs of others by getting caught in a “Go, Go, Go” mentality – putting our heads down to move from one task to another – missing important visual signs all around. We can’t effectively lead others with empathy if we are operating at a hurried pace and not taking the time to slow down and use our eyes to look for the needs of others.
I have found the days I am the “busiest” or “need to get things done” are when someone needs me the most. I’m confident I missed many moments connecting with a student or staff member because I was in a hurry. In a world, society, and profession that is moving faster and faster, we need to look around to the needs of others by slowing down, looking up, and looking around.
Listen More by Speaking Less and Asking Questions
Empathizing with people is asking questions first, listening more, and speaking less. We can learn so much about people when we close our mouths and open our ears. Paul Tripp (2014) couldn’t describe the importance of listening and asking questions any better than this:
Insightful people are not the people with the right answers, insightful people are the people with the right questions. Because you don’t get to the right answers without the right questions - that’s why Jesus taught by telling stories and asking questions.
Leaders often think we need to have the right answers when we should focus on listening, learning, and asking the right questions. In his book, Good Leaders Ask Great Questions, John Maxwell (2016) stated, “Questions are the most effective means of connecting with people” (p. 88). Sande shares, “Use your ears; listen not only to others’ words but also to their tone of voice, which often communicates the most accurate information” (Sande, 2014).
We can better empathize with others when we listen more, speak less, and ask the right questions.
Learn to Discern the Needs of Others
Looking and listening allow leaders to build social awareness to diagnose and learn the needs of others and action steps to follow. Taylor (2022) said the first social awareness question for leaders to consider is “where are they” (p. 80). Leaders need to ask themselves where others are with an awareness to see through the lens of those they lead. Cognitive empathy, or perspective-taking,” is a process where we observe others and “use our imagination and logic to discern what they must be thinking or feeling” (Sande, 2014). Like the question, “where are they,” we want to constantly be looking and listening to learn what others need.
A few questions to consider to help us learn what others need (Sande, 2014):
What are they feeling right now and why?
How would I feel if I was in their shoes?
Have I ever had a similar experience and been in their shoes?
How did I feel during that time?
How can I show that I understand and care?
What should I not say right now?
Taylor (2022) states that we will learn to appreciate the emotions of others as a form of data helping us diagnose where people are, what they need, and what they don’t. Too often, leaders move into action before taking the time to diagnose the needs around them. In their book, The Practice of Adaptive Leadership, Heifetz, Grashow, and Linsky (2009) stated, “The single most important skill and most undervalued capacity for exercising leadership is diagnosis” (p. 7). Leading with empathy requires adaptive leadership – adapting to the moment by looking and listening to learn to discern the needs of others.
Every child has a story, so does every adult. Lead with empathy.
Reflection Questions:
Leading with empathy doesn’t begin when we know someone’s story; leading with empathy begins when we recognize that every person has a story. How can recognizing everyone has a story without knowing everyone’s story, impact your daily interactions?
Sande says when leading with empathy, “Use your time; slow down, relax, show that you’re happy to give others all the time they need.” How can you find ways to use your time to slow down, put on a pair of “perspectacles” and empathize with those you lead?
Empathy deepens relationships and a lack of empathy weakens relationships. What fruitful impact can a culture of empathy have on your school or district?
References:
Heifetz, R. A., Grashow, A., & Linsky, M. (2009). The practice of adaptive leadership: Tools and tactics for changing your organization and the world. Harvard Business Press.
Maxwell, J. C. (2016). Good leaders ask great questions: Your foundation for successful leadership. Center Street.
Sande, K. (2014, July 4). Seven steps to empathy. Relational Wisdom | Ken Sande | Biblical Emotional Intelligence | Peacemaking | Institute Christian Conciliation | Reconciliation. Retrieved January 28, 2023, from https://rw360.org/2014/07/04/seven-steps-empathy/
Taylor, M. (2022). The noble school leader: The Five-square approach to leading schools with emotional intelligence. Jossey-Bass.
Tripp, P. (2014, April 23). Questions. PaulTripp.com. Retrieved January 28, 2023, from https://www.paultripp.com/wednesdays-word/posts/questions
