School Leaders: Go Home and Love Your Family

It’s the beginning of a school year, so this blog post is heavy on my heart to write for school leaders. I’m tired of watching “successful leaders” with families that fall apart.

Dear, school leader: You’re replaceable at work, but not at home.

I can still hear my wife’s words, “Zac, do you want our family to fall apart? Because that’s exactly what’s happening. We’re falling apart. Zac, the kids need you, I need you. Things aren’t good at home right now, we’re spiraling. You’re prioritizing your work and our family is a byproduct of it. Are things ever going to change? I’m tired of it.”

Unfortunately, that wasn’t the first time I had heard similar words. It was a vicious cycle. I’m a school leader passionate about what I do. However, that passion can often lead to a false sense of identity in who I am. I’m not sure how many nights I missed getting home for dinner. I’m not sure how many evenings I didn’t see my family - sometimes multiple days in a row. I would get home after my wife and kids were in bed and leave before they were up again. I’m not sure how many times my wife would gently remind me that things weren’t so good at home. She would remind me that the kids needed me, that she needed me. I’m not sure how many times I was at home exhausted, simply trying to catch up on rest or work from the week. Then, her reminders would turn not so gentle, we had some difficult weekends and hard conversations where she opened my eyes to the neglect I was giving to our family and home. I felt convicted and would make changes for a few weeks before getting sucked right back into the vicious cycle. I don’t know how many times I messed up, but what I do know is that I was giving my best of me to the students, staff, and families at school; while at the same time giving my kids and wife, the rest of me at home.

My wife was right.  You’re probably thinking, “You can say that again.” So I will: My wife was right. Through various seasons I have made my family a byproduct of my work. I preach prioritizing people, specifically leading my family first, but that doesn’t mean I’ve mastered it, and I’m not sure I ever will. My wife accurately told me I was making our family a byproduct of my life. A byproduct is a secondary, sometimes unexpected or unintended result. That word unintended hits me. We don’t set out to make our spouses, children, or people in our lives secondary to everything else we’re doing, but much like my struggles, they can quickly become a byproduct without us even realizing it. That’s not what I want my family to be. That’s not what I want your family to be.

I had a superintendent tell the leadership team once, “I can still hear those words, my spouse telling me that I loved my job more than I loved them. Don’t make the same mistake.” That superintendent had gone through a divorce and didn’t want others to make the same mistake. Yet, there I was, making the same mistake. We see it far too often - leaders pouring everything they have into their work and missing the mark at home. We see marriages ruined and homes destroyed. Whether superintendents, principals, pastors, CEO’s, business owners, you name it, appearing successful at work while failing inside their own home. Let me be honest with you: If you’re leading well at school but not in your home, then you’re not leading at all. Our families need us. My family needs me. Your family needs you. One of my favorite quotes is from Mother Teresa, “If you want to change the world, then go home and love your family.” What we need is for more school leaders to change the world by going home and loving their families. That doesn’t mean you don’t continue giving your best to the staff, students, and families of your school, but when the day is over, you go home and love your family. That’s leadership.

I had the privilege of meeting the legendary football coach, Tony Dungy, when he was the keynote speaker at a mentorship event. Dungy shared some of the best advice he ever received from his coach and mentor, Chuck Noll. Dungy shared that the first thing Coach Noll said to the team was:

“Men, I want to welcome you to the National Football League. You’re now going to be paid to play football, so that makes it your profession. But don’t make football your whole life. If you make football your whole life, you’re going to be disappointed.”

Most importantly, Coach Dungy shared that not only did Coach Noll emphasize the saying, “Don’t make football your whole life,” he modeled it and lived it out daily. We need to take that same mentality in our life and leadership. Don’t make school leadership your whole life, if you make school leadership your whole life, you’re going to be disappointed. And, most importantly, let’s live it out, let’s model it for those we lead. Let’s live out school cultures that prioritize their families. Let’s have staff highly engaged in their work and highly satisfied in their personal lives.

Let me conclude with this story and feel free to substitute the word Mommy for Daddy:

SON: “Daddy, may I ask you a question?”
DAD: “Yeah sure, what is it?”
SON: “Daddy, how much do you make an hour?”
DAD: “That’s none of your business. Why do you ask such a thing?”  
SON: “I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?”
DAD: “If you must know, I make $100 an hour.”
SON: “Oh!” (With his head down).
SON: “Daddy, may I please borrow $50?”

The father was furious.

DAD: “If the only reason you asked that is so you can borrow some money to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you are being so selfish. I work hard everyday for such this childish behavior.”

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.
The man sat down and started to get even angrier about the little boy’s questions. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money?
After about an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think:
Maybe there was something he really needed to buy with that $ 50 and he really didn’t ask for money very often. The man went to the door of the little boy’s room and opened the door.

DAD: “Are you asleep, son?”

SON: “No Daddy, I’m awake.”
DAD: “I’ve been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier. It’s been a long day and I took out my aggravation on you. Here’s the $50 you asked for.”

The little boy sat straight up, smiling.

SON: “Oh, thank you Daddy!”

Then, reaching under his pillow he pulled out some crumpled up bills. The man saw that the boy already had money, and started to get angry again. The little boy slowly counted out his money, and then looked up at his father.

DAD: “Why do you want more money if you already have some?”

SON: “Because I didn’t have enough, but now I do.”

“Daddy, I have $100 now. Can I buy an hour of your time? Please come home early tomorrow. I would like to have dinner with you.”

The father was crushed. He put his arms around his little son, and he begged for his forgiveness.

Dear, school leader, this is my challenge to you:

Give your best every single day to the students, staff, and families at school. But more importantly, give your best to those inside your home. The work will always be there. Go home and love your family.

Story Source: https://movemequotes.com/story-on-family-priorities/