Lead (Yourself) with Compassion
As educational leaders, we are often the first to offer support, wisdom, and compassion to others. Whether it’s our students, staff, or parents, we pride ourselves on being the steady force in a sea of challenges. However, when it comes to offering that same grace to ourselves, many of us fall short. Personally, I’ve found that I can give sound advice to others, but struggle to apply that same wisdom to myself. Sound familiar?
It’s important to recognize that to lead others with compassion, we must first learn to lead ourselves with compassion. This is not just a nice thought; it’s a necessity. We need to strengthen our internal resources, build resilience, and model the very empathy we ask of others. If we are not taking care of ourselves, we cannot truly care for our teams or our schools.
This past summer, our leadership team led by our superintendent, participated in an exercise that challenged us to think about how we treat ourselves compared to how we treat others. This simple but powerful activity left a lasting impact, and I would recommend it to any leader who struggles to balance self-care with the demands of leadership. Recently, we implemented the same activity in a faculty meeting with teachers.
The Exercise: Leading Yourself with Compassion
I want to walk you through the exercise we completed. It's straightforward, but the insights you gain from it can be profound.
1. Identify a Current Struggle
First, think about something you're currently struggling with. It could be related to your professional role, such as navigating difficult conversations with staff, managing the overwhelming demands of a packed schedule, or dealing with the feeling of inadequacy in achieving all your goals. Or it could be personal—trying to balance work and home life, managing stress, or dealing with burnout.
For example, many school leaders may experience:
Decision Fatigue: With countless decisions to make every day, you may struggle with feeling overwhelmed or second-guessing your choices.
Work-Life Balance: Perhaps you're feeling guilty about spending too much time at work and not enough with your family.
Staff Morale: You may be frustrated or saddened by a lack of enthusiasm from staff and unsure how to rekindle the spark of engagement in your school.
Take a moment to truly sit with the feeling. Write it down. How does this problem make you feel? What emotions does it stir up? Is it frustration, guilt, stress, or perhaps fear of failure?
By doing this, you’re giving yourself permission to acknowledge the weight you’re carrying instead of brushing it off or pushing through without addressing it.
2. Imagine a Friend Coming to You with the Same Problem
Now, imagine that a close friend or colleague comes to you with the very same issue you're facing. Picture them standing in front of you, visibly frustrated or overwhelmed. What would you say to them? How would you respond?
Chances are, you'd approach them with kindness, understanding, and practical advice. You’d probably tell them something like:
"You’re doing the best you can. No one expects you to have all the answers."
"It’s okay to take a step back and prioritize what’s most important."
"You’re not alone in this. Let’s figure out a plan together."
Write this down as if you were speaking to them directly.
3. Analyze Your Response
Once you’ve written down the advice you’d give to your friend, compare it to how you typically respond to yourself when facing the same problem. Most likely, you’ll find a significant difference in the tone and approach.
When it comes to ourselves, we often default to blame, self-criticism, or unrealistic expectations. Thoughts like:
“Why can’t I just get this right?”
“I should be able to handle this better.”
“I don’t have time to slow down. I need to keep pushing.”
This exercise can highlight the chasm between the kindness we give to the people in our lives and the kindness we show ourselves. You'll likely notice that you treat your friend with much more patience, generosity, and forgiveness than you do yourself. Why is that?
4. Shift the Narrative
The key takeaway here is to treat yourself with the same compassion and care you would extend to a friend. Leadership is challenging, and you will face obstacles and make mistakes. But instead of beating yourself up, practice extending the same grace to yourself that you naturally offer others.
Here’s how you can put this into practice:
Self-Reflection: Make time for regular reflection. Set aside a few minutes at the end of each week to ask yourself: “How did I show myself compassion this week?” and “Where could I have treated myself more kindly?”
Mindful Language: Be mindful of how you speak to yourself, especially in times of stress. Swap out harsh, critical thoughts with more balanced, supportive language. Instead of saying, “I failed at this,” try, “This didn’t go as planned, but I’m learning and improving.”
Celebrate Small Wins: Take time to recognize your achievements, no matter how small they may seem. Leadership is full of little victories that we often overlook. Acknowledge your efforts and celebrate progress.
5. Reinforce Your Internal Strength
Leading yourself with compassion doesn’t mean avoiding accountability or tough decisions. It means fostering a mindset that helps you grow through challenges rather than tearing yourself down in the process.
Building internal strength requires that you:
Set Boundaries: It’s okay to say no. Learn to set realistic boundaries for yourself and your time.
Prioritize Well-Being: Make time for self-care and restoration. Whether it’s exercise, reading, spending time with family, or simply relaxing, prioritize activities that replenish your energy.
Seek Support: Don’t hesitate to reach out to colleagues, mentors, or coaches for guidance. Leadership can feel lonely, but you don’t have to do it alone. Let others support you, just as you support them.
Leading with Compassion Starts Within
In the hustle of leadership, it's easy to focus on others and neglect ourselves. But the truth is, the better we lead ourselves, the better we can lead others. When we operate from a place of compassion—for ourselves first—we model healthy leadership for our teams and create an environment where everyone can thrive.
So, I encourage you to give this exercise a try. Take a few minutes today to write down something you're struggling with. Then, imagine how you would advise a friend in the same situation. You might be surprised by the gap between how you treat others and how you treat yourself—and just how much more effective you can be when you close that gap with self-compassion.
